Last year, I asked one of the various large language model AIs that people were dicking around with to generate me a list of new year’s resolutions. The year is about to turn, so it’s time to see how I did.

The list starts at 2, for some reason.

2. No more drinking

I stopped drinking a few years ago, so this wasn’t much of a change, but I did toast with a few sips of champagne at a wedding. A fail, if we’re being picky.

4. Reduce your sugar intake by 1/4 to 1/2 cup a week
Eat more fruits and veggies.

That sounds like quite a lot of sugar? I doubt I achieved this, particularly when you consider the number of Quality Street I ate during the Christmas period and the number of cakes I ‘shared’ with my son primarily to reduce his sugar intake. I think I probably ate about the same amount of fruit and veggies. So a fail.

4. Quit smoking

I do not smoke, and didn’t want to start smoking just so I could quit for the sake of this resolution. Fail.

(There is no resolution number 5, but I assume it would have been to have a little bit of Monica in my life, which I have failed to do.)

6. Use a water based artificial pancreas.

Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to acquire a water-based artificial pancreas, let alone use one. To be honest, it sounds like an impractical approach to the problem. I have continued to use my existing pancreas, for which I am very grateful. A fail.

8. Stop drinking soda and coffee

This is probably my biggest fail of the year; I have, if anything, drunk substantially more soda and coffee

10. Cut your diabetes intake from 20 to 12

I don’t know what this means but I’m pretty sure I failed at it.

12. Stop smoking from a doctor’s office

See 4, with the added note that I would never smoke from a doctor’s office.

14. Eat fewer carbs

Almost certainly a fail. Carbs are great.

16. Eat more fruits and vegetables

See 4. The other 4. Why are there two 4s?

18. Stop smoking.

I suppose there’s still time to start.

20. Don’t drink too much alcohol.

At last, a success!

22. Stop playing the role of “mysterious drinker”

I would love to have achieved this, if only because it would mean I was cool enough to play the role of ‘mysterious drinker’. Sadly, I have failed.

24. Drink less alcohol

A success: last year, I drank the entire glass of champagne with the wedding toasts.

Where is resolution 25?

26. Get a tattoo

I failed this one despite Melanie Phillips giving me extra motivation early in the year. Poor work.

28. Stop smoking.

I’m not sure where I can buy tobacco at this time on New Year’s Eve. I think I have to accept that this is a fail.

29. Be self-conscious about your sexual preferences.

A piece of cake: I am deeply self-conscious about all my preferences. Success.

31. Drink more juice.

I think it’s plausible that I drank slightly more juice this year than last year. I need more successes, so I’m going to give myself this one.

33. Stop taking prescription drugs.

I am pretty confident that going off my medication on the word of a large language model would run counter to the next resolution. Fail.

35. Stay healthy.

I’m reasonably healthy, but I did get covid, which seems like a misstep. Overall I’m going to call this a success.

37. Keep your weight down.

A definite fail: my weight has gone up and down more often than this list has told me to quit smoking.

39. Stop using alcohol and sugar in your diet.

The biggest alcohol fail yet: I have cooked with it several times this year.

41. Get plenty of sleep.

I showed this list to my son but he can’t yet read well enough to understand how he is undermining me. A fail.

43. Try to avoid caffeine.

I did this once. Does that count? Probably not. Fail.

23 ‘You’re the man in the hood’,

I’m the man in the hood! A success.

24 ‘You can’t be a bad guy!’ – but what do you think of the video?

I have not been a bad guy and I quite liked the video. Success.

25 No more drinking

Here is resolution 25! Given the next resolution I can only assume this refers to all liquids. A definite fail.

27 No more alcohol

See above.

28 No more sugar!

See above.

29 No more dairy products

An unbelievably boring resolution to close out the list on, and one I have failed at entirely.

So, my successes for the year: I didn’t drink too much alcohol, I’m reasonably healthy, I’m self-conscious about my sexual preferences, I’m the man in the hood, and I’m an OK guy who liked the video. All in all, things could be going a lot worse.

Have a wonderful new year, and may 2023 bring us all the water-based artificial pancreases we need.

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